Meat Equals Meal With a Little Help

This came to us while talking about the consumption of meat with a friend that eats very little meat, but does enjoy some bacon every once in a while… otherwise she couldn’t hang out w/ us anymore. Ha ha.

The depth and significance of what you will soon read may shake the very foundation of your diet… FOREVER… so don’t say no one warned you.

Meat = Meal

If you simply cross the ” l “.

Yes… Meat as a meal now makes even more sense than ever, right? We thought it would.

Bacon Grenade
Image Sent by a Fellow Bacon Lover. Solidarity in Meat!

If we could live on bacon alone, we certainly would… but that would mean giving up beer, so maybe not having the ability to live solely on the greasy goodness of bacon has merits.

Very FEW merits, but merits none-the-less. Perhaps only one.

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Properly Stocked Pre-Weekend Fridge

A while back we found ourselves faced with an upcoming weekend… for which we thanked the Sun, Moon, Stars and, of course, the Bacon Gods. In preparation for the joyous event we stocked up on all the necessities:

  • Beer
  • Tequila
  • Vodka
  • More Beer
  • Margarita Mix
  • More Tequila
  • Bacon
  • Eggs
  • More Bacon
  • … and a Fire Extinguisher

If you have to ask WHY we would need a fire extinguisher, you have OBVIOUSLY never attended one of our famous outdoor gatherings around the bonfire… the bonfire that lights up the light sky and resembles an atomic explosion to neighbors 50 miles away.

Granted we usually keep a garden hose handy for these events, but sometimes drunk people like to get a little too close to the fire and experience has taught us that chasing a flaming drunk around with a garden hose doesn’t always work out as planned. A fire extinguisher comes as a convenient, self-contained unit with no long tail attached to the house which can and WILL knock damn near EVERYthing in the backyard over as you chase down a flaming, drunken retard you call your best friend on any other day.

Yep. We really should have taken pictures from that weekend. On second thought, stuff like that can end up in a Court of Law. Never mind. We’ll stick with the few, fuzzy, and severely alcohol diluted memories we can remember.

Less jail time that way.

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Chicken, Shrimp & Bacon Combo Platter?

If ya’ think about the term ‘combo platter’, ya’ probably get visions of Chinese takeout dancing through that tiny little brain of yours… well stop it right now! We will NOT tolerate such tomfoolery around here!

OK, we’ll tolerate it, but you have to give us an eggroll.

Getting back to the point of today’s bacon blog, we wanted to create our own combo platter using similar meats, but with a twist… we wanted to wrap them in bacon!

Chicken, Shrimp & Bacon Combo Platter?
Chicken, Shrimp & Bacon Combo Platter?

And so now we say, “HA!” to General Tso and his friends Sesame Chicken, Mu Shu Pork, and Fried Rice! Then we curse at them in Mandarin and dump diet soy sauce on their doorsteps!

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Big Bacon… Little Pan!

A while back David Spade and Chris Farley (RIP) starred in a comedy called Black Sheep and at one point in the movie Chris put on David’s suit jacket or blazer –which CLEARLY did NOT fit him — and pranced around the room chanting, “Big man, little coat… Big man, little coat” and then the coat ripped. Ha ha. Too funny. Guess you had to have seen the movie, though.

At any rate, we got some black pepper bacon from the store the other day and noticed that each strip had either taken Viagra or the butcher shop cut them extra large and long. Either way, we just HAD to try fitting as much of our meat in the… pan as possible.

Don’t sit there and act like you wouldn’t do the same thing, dang it! ‘Cuz you know you would try to fit as much of your meat in as you could!

Big Bacon, Little Pan! Big Bacon, Little Pan!
Big Bacon, Little Pan! Big Bacon, Little Pan!

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Bacon Wrapped Chicken Tenderloins

Do we ever get tired of bacon and chicken? Never! To even ASK such thing equals bacon blasphemy and we don’t STAND for that kind of talk ’round these parts!

“All praise be to bacon. You are salty. You are meaty. We love you, Bacon! Amen.”

Getting back to the point of this blog entry, we snagged some chicken tenderloins on sale at the local grocery store and instantly knew what to do with them: Wrap Them in Bacon.

Bacon Wrapped Chicken Tenderloins
Bacon Wrapped Chicken Tenderloins

Please note that we do NOT normally splurge on chicken tenderloins. Ordinarily we find the pricing of that food item as ridiculous and absurd as gasoline prices a few years ago. The idea of spending $4.99 per pound (or more) for little strips of chicken offends us because money wasted on overpriced chicken could have gotten used to buy an extra pack of Center Cut Bacon, more beer, or BOTH.

Right before we shoved these puppies under the broiler we had the idea of battering them up and deep frying them… but that idea went nowhere. We don’t own a deep fryer and the idea of all that hot grease landing on one of us ‘cuz we drunkenly bumped into while trying to explain why goats and sheep sound so much alike did not sound all that entertaining.

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Bacon Garnished Shrimp

On this particular evening we found ourselves mildly buzzed from a day of drinking copious amounts of tequila colored lightly w/ margarita mix… and in possession of shrimp and bacon. What to do, what to do…

Then the idea struck us: Get out a big knife and drunkenly cut up some bacon into garnish-like strips and wrap each shrimp! BRILLIANT!

Bacon Garnished Shrimp
Bacon Garnished Shrimp — On the Burner?!? Ha ha!

Needless to say, the combination of ‘large knife, greasy bacon and drunken fingers’ entertained us for quite a while. No one went to the hospital, surprisingly, and not one piece of bacon OR shrimp fell on the floor during the preparation process.

Pretty much all of US, though, DID fall on the floor at some point after we enjoyed our lovely little bacony seafood morsels.

Tequila… it reminds you that gravity works, and works WELL.

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Bacon, Chicken, Provolone & Jalapenos

Now if THIS meal does not make ya’ say, “Yum….” then check your pulse ‘cuz we think you might have passed away and not known it.

The combination of bacon, grilled (marinated) chicken breast, fresh sliced jalapenos and provolone cheese kicks major amounts of ass — and can BURN one’s ass the next day if too many jalapenos get used. Ha ha.

Bacon Wrapped Chicken Topped w/ Jalapeno Slices and Provolone Cheese
Bacon + Chicken + Provolone + Jalapenos = Awesome

Notice we even included a vegetable on the plate this time? Yep. Broccoli works as an excellent side dish with a bacon, chicken and cheese creation.

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Bacon on the Stove at an Angle

Ordinarily we’d claim beer or some other alcoholic beverage made us take a picture of bacon cooking in the pan from some weird angle but no, that didn’t happen this time. we just felt like making a certain percentage of our readers nauseous… or at the very least we wanted then to turn their heads like curious dogs when they look at the picture.

Bacon Cooking -- Weird Angle, Right?
Bacon Cooking in the Pan… All Angled and Stuff.

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Wake-N-Bacon Alarm Clock

Just when you thought life could not get any better, some fool goes and invents an alarm clock that begins to slowly cook a slice of bacon 10 minutes before the alarm goes off. Simply place a frozen strip of bacon in the clock, set the alarm, and pass out.

Bacon awaits you in the morning, Master!

Wake'n'Bacon Alarm Clock
Wake Up to a Strip of Fresh Cooked Bacon

Imagine, if you will, waking up to the glorious smell of bacon each and every morning — without the expense of a live-in chef OR the aggravation of an annoying significant other who gets up earlier than you do!

Never mind the obvious fire hazard created when ya’ put a heating unit inside a wooden pig. Think, instead, about all the great mornings your half-asleep self will clumsily jam your grubby fingers inside a hot tray and burn the dog snot out of yourself.

As you reel your fingers back in pain, try not to drop your salty, meaty bacon prize on your (most likely unswept and un-vacuumed) floor — ‘cuz then you will have a mere ten seconds to pick it up and eat it w/o fear of germs.

10 second rule, man! The ten second rule!

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I’ve Died and Gone to… Bacon?

Some days a guy can really luck out, ya’ know? Take the other day, for example. After a long 10-hour day of slaving away at the office and then fighting traffic on my way home for an hour and a half I dropped all my sh#t in the front hallway of my home, marched directly towards the kitchen to get a beer and saw… this… along the way.

A Bounty of Bacon
A Beautiful Bounty of Bacon

Apparently my girlfriend went shopping earlier and got us some presents. I love Christmas! Wait… Didn’t we celebrate that a month or so ago? I don’t care! I see bacon!

They need to create a bacon-centric Holiday so that we bacon lovers can rejoice and share the gift of bacon with our fellow bacon believers. I don’t think I’ll live to SEE the day when a standard issue office calendar has Bacon Day listed as an official government Holiday or ever have a chance to walk through a Hallmark Store and browse through Bacon Day greeting cards, but perhaps my children will.

Getting back to the bacon on the table though, wow! A beautiful bounty of bacon… and things get better! Not only did she purchase a perfect pile of pork products, she already had some laid in a frying pan ready to cook! She also had a cold beer for me in her hand!

Man oh man. A cold beer and all that beautiful bacon. Talk about awesome, right? Totally awesome. Love at first sight.

Oh, and as for the girlfriend, I think I’ll keep her around a little while longer.

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